Lost...

At one point of time, I realize that what ever has happened, has happened for a reason. Now, I'm wondering what is the reason. Some say we learn, some say we become a better person, some say it opens our eyes, some say it is just happening because something better is waiting out there.

Here I am waiting, and still I am. Freaking 26 years old, and I am still waiting. People say I shouldn't chase it, because the more I chase, the more it eludes. But, still, not chasing and not doing anything about it, has not brought me any joy either.

Listen to your heart, and it will lead you to greatness. It has lead me, no doubt. But one thing, time and time again, it has failed me. Not once, not twice, just...too many times. Now, I'm neither listening to my heart, nor my brain. For that matter, my instincts, is the other part that I have come to a point of just letting it be, and not listening to it.

Come the last time, it has been 10 failures. Never once an ok. Never once a yes. Never once, it has come alive. It might sound crude, it might sound bad, but the last one I had, which was not, but was there, was the best ever so far. I know I should not be holding to it and I should be moving on and I have. Still, it is all failing. One by one, everything is just crumbling. Each time, I am falling flat on my face, like a hot potato. And time and time again I have pulled myself together again, but for how long more? I am getting tired of this, and I am also running out of dramatic comebacks. I am losing the steam to keep me running, and I am everytime, just returning, to square one.

Pressure is building, time is running out, and I am, as said, running out of motivation. Pressure is all good, it can be vented out, but for how long more? It is not only taking a toll on me, it is on other people too.

Failures in other things also has been manifesting itself. Other people are also having troubles too, much greater than me. Still, if I bother about other people, like what I have been doing all this while, and forget about myself, there is definite no way for me to pull forward. I will just be stuck there, with reminiscing points like this to return and haunt me. Haunting is already bad, it's eating me, inside. Digging so deep, the core has been breached, and it's just sucking the so called 'vein of life' that I have.

I decided to be a pain from now on. It is hard, and I am not liking it, but I think, it has boiled down to this. Unless questioned, unless asked, I won't help, I won't answer. I am tired of being the nice guy, I'm tired of being the wonderful person that people say I am. I'm tired of being the life of the party. I'm tired of just sitting and taking the effort while time and time again, it just goes down the drain. I don't want to be friendly anymore. I don't want to be the one where people call for advice. I don't want to be a shoulder for someone to cry on anymore. I don't want to provide anymore. I don't want to be quiet anymore. I don't want to keep quiet anymore. I will be the biggest pain. I will be giving every person a piece of my mind the moment a doubt pops out. I am going to be selfish. I am only going to worry about myself. I am only going to think about and for myself. I am not going to give a shit about anything. I don't care about anyone else, or anything, but me.

Fuck!

Happy Diwali people!

Well, here I am, back in asylum. This time, with more stories.

Almost two months has passed, and with all the things that happened, for the first time in my life, I was at a dead end. It just basically overwhelmed me, and at one point, I was just lost. My mind is all over the place, my mental stat was throwing needles off the charts, Yogi said for the first time he was seeing me in such 'lost'ness, and I, for the first time, was itching to leave Kota Bharu for some time. I got 2 weeks of from the boss, and I came to KL. Went back home too, for Diwali. Met mum and Dad and my lil' brother. They're all good.

Despite all the fiascoes happening, there was a lot of good things that happened too. These 2 weeks brought me much closer with my friends. This group of friends that I have is a group I hold very dearly for and with. The group, consists of Chandran Anne, Gaithri Anni, Gobaind Anne, Suhanti Anni, Jack, Durga, Yogi, Chandra, Pridif, Sri, Vicky, and of course the nut, MESELF! :D Chandran anne is the 'elder' of the group, and this 2 week saw, him and I, we went for miles and got to know each other better. Anni was not much in the whole picture, but still, it was 'there and about'. I got closer with others too, but the significant one was Chandran Anne. Yogi, I have been close with him ever since my days in MIAT. Chandra @ Yedi @ Senget, Yogi's lovely better half, was also someone I got close to too. And although the lingering thought of what has been happening does still spurns rage in me, but still, being around these people, it just subsides.

My brother is now a LAE! Boy, was I happy, but somehow not ecstatic. It was the same feeling I had when I finished my license in the US. One after another, exams, test and what not, all these things I went through, when I get through, the was no sense of achievement from me. It was just not there, and once again, with my brother, it was not there. I guess, my brother and I when we have achieved the best we could, is when I would get the feeling out.

Anyways, I was supposed to head out the Terengganu by the end of this month. But however, I think that is going 'south'. The DCA is giving me a hard time with this. Still, let's see.

Man ooo man, tribulations just never seems to give up, and everytime, it is gearing up big time!

Yeap, me birthday...was yesterday!

I was alone at home as it struck midnight, and this year somehow was not a year where I was contemplating on what I have achieved. I was actually having beers and watching tv, answering the Facebook posts from my friends, answering calls and....I was relaxed. No thinking, no pondering, no wondering, just pure relaxation.

My students called me out for dinner. I agreed. It was supposed to be only a couple of students with me, but that night, 11 students of mine came out for an extremely hearty dinner. And I had fun! It was great, and with my housemate and another colleague, we ate till we could not move! What overwhelmed me is that my students joined together and bought me dinner. I don't know how much it came up to, cause those idiots didn't want to tell me, but I know it would have been massive. The boys ordered 11 dishes, and we had all of it with rice. After food, they brought a cake, and I was even more overwhelmed. I was happy, very very happy. Thanks boys! God bless!

26, that is my age. Getting older....I know.

Title presents....too long, I have not posted. So it seems...

I wanted to write about my India trip, but somehow, I just did not get the time, and further more, I only get bloody internet connection when I am in my office. So, to sum things short, it was an amazing blast! Loads of fun, met a huge amount of people, and met new people too. All in all, I loved it. Tiring it was, but still, worth it. Went for my brother's wedding and his reception. Pankaj's wedding was a little modernized, but still, the essence of traditional was beaming within it. I, for a fact know, I made havoc in the wedding, and I was, according to a few, and instant famous 'nut' there. People were watching me, some hated, a lot loved it. Pankaj's relatives proudly claims that his wedding was the first time where they saw, friends of the groom or even the bride for that matter, were the party people. I was proud of it. And I made a few interesting eyes 'eye' for me too! :P

That was in April, and since, I have been busy like an ant. Exams, work and whole enchilada. Been having fun too, but somehow, I need a break. Not been home since last November, I reckon I need to head back home, and just relax under my dad's roof, and enjoy disturbing my mum and savoring her food, that although I have been eating em' all my life, still, never fails to bring a smile and a loud burp.

Friends and most importantly family, have been urging me to move on with life. Look for the other half and start settling. I have been somehow straying away, and I don't want to blame myself for doing that. I have deadlines to meet, exams to complete, flying to accomplish, and a whole lot more the get done with.

This coming weekend I am heading to KL. Once in a while I do that, just to get out of Kota Bharu and let loose. Here in KB, there's nothing to do, at all. Sandakan, although it does not have a mall like KB does, is way way better than KB. Dhany goes to KL every 2 weeks, if he doesn't, he's done for. Bonkers would be an improvement, if you know what I mean.

I need to get internet at my place. Real soon. Or else...

Jaan....

I miss you. I can't believe I lost you as a friend. I still cannot, till this very day....

Yeap, as it says, I'm back to office again. Just came back from my cousin's wedding, and boy was it fun or what!

After a long long time, I met a lot of my cousins, and we had a blast. Mum and Dad came down from Sandakan too, and I was with them throughout the whole time.

Still, I haven't got my tickets yet!! I waited until late night for my cousin to drop it to me, but he didn't. He was meeting someone and he didn't tell me about it. I was waiting in my uncle's house till late night, and my parents were up with me waiting too. Man oo man was I furious! But anyhow, I called him and told him to just mail to me, cause I had to be going to my brother's place and spending the night there, before taking my flight back here the next morning.

I'm having no schedules today as the weather is not very comforting for a flight. So, I'm just sitting ducks in office. Anyways, gonna go have breakfast. Hungry.....

God damn the exams were hard!!

Went to Putrajaya for my exams as I was saying before this. It was not as bad as I thought, but still, it was hard. This is what I get I guess when I don't study. Out of the 6 papers I took, I had a completely zilch mind when I was in the exam hall for the Navigation paper. I was blank, completely no idea on what was happening!

Stayed at a hotel in Subang, and it cost me RM 600 for 3 freaking days! Well, it was worth the stay anyhow, the room was nice, and I needed to stay in a hotel, cause if I were to be staying at my cousin's place, there is no way in hell I would be studying there. So, anyhow, I had to do it. I wanted to stay in a hotel near Putrajaya, but at that particular time it was the school holidays, most of the hotel were sold out. The ones thast are available, were going for RM 500 a night. I was like ' WHAT THE...!!??'. So, I had to stay somewhere further, and I tagged with Dhany to go for my exams, since he was also sitting for it.

I didn't get my tickets this time. My cousin he couldn't get it cause he had no time. So, I would come to get it the next time I come down, which is in another week, cause my cousin brother is getting married. Excited for that too!

Well, as of now, that's the latest. Peace!

Yesterday, my dad asked me a series of questions about what I am doing now, and my life in the past, which brought me into essentially going into a mad-over-thinking freak again. I was contemplating it the whole night, and I was worried why he mentioned and questioned all those things last night. I'm not saying that he's like gone cuckoo or something. When he mentions these kind of things, there is for sure something lingering in his head. And to decipher it is one hard thing unless I am in front of him. This man is capable of sounding like the most calm person in the world, while having a trillion things running, randomly, simultaneously in his mind. So, weird....

FYI, I am closing in on my exams, and it's gonna happen on the 24th and 25th of March. Less then a meager month to go, and I am now officially lost, scared, literally shivering about it. I ave not been studying enough!! Been trying to double up, but always, snoring is the end product. Damnit!

Well, another thing that has brought me away from my concentration in studies is the thought of my upcoming hols trip. Me going INDIA!!!!! WooooHOOOO!!!! Can't wait, bloody excited, even as I am typing this. Close close friend of mine is getting married, and I am gonna attend it! Happening in April, so I am hoping to be there for like 7 to 10 days. This weekend I am heading out to KL, gonna get my medical for my pilot's license renewed. And I am gonna buy the airplane tickets too. Can't wait!

Speaking of KL, I am lately feeling a bit down-flop-sided. I think I need a break. I have not had a nice relaxed escapade where the only things I think about is drinking and having fun. Been 2 months since I hit KL, and this coming weekend, which I hope for, promises to be a fantastic one. Gonna meet a few people I haven't met in years. And, my brother bought me Johnnie Walker Green Label when he was flying back from SDK. So, I am gonna go and claim that too. :D

I have been noticing things around me going a bit frayed lately, with a few of my friends having some tough times. I, as I said, bewildered already, need a break. But still, I have one of my colleague went mad cow on me, saying and not talking to me since for the past 2 nights. A few other friends around me are also in some kind of turmoil, but I am feeling bloody bad about it. I want to help, but how!? Damnit!!

Well, all things will definitely be fine. Just a matter of time. I somehow don't completely buy that statement, cause to me, like what the great House said, time does not change anything, doing something about it in due time will change it. :D But all in all, its all good. Things will return to normal, and as I have always believed, never once not, once again saying it, thins will definitely be fine, without a faint shadow of a doubt!

I'm sleepy.....

For the past 2 weeks, it has been a hectic period for me. I have been flying my ass off, and also trying to study too. It's been tough, and I would definitely appreciate a good day's rest and some nice chill beer.

I have now started flying, got my instructors license in the beginning of January. The flight check was done last December, but somehow the paper work part got delayed because of some kind of crap. But then, I personally got the license endorsed, and now, I am officially a qualified rated instructor in 2 countries. Feels great, but somehow still, it doesn't feel quite enough yet. Since then, I have been flying, and I am enjoying myself. Pain is, most of my students are fresh meat. In other words, they have not flown ever, and I am taking em' up on a plane and teaching the utmost fundamentals of flying. I don't mind doing it, but given a choice, I would rather have students who knows how to fly. It's a much much more easier, and I like doing the buffing job. What do I mean by buffing is, for an example, the students knows how to fly, but what I do, is smoothing the edges, make em' fly a lot more 'cleaner' and teach them the so called 'ethics of the sky'. I like that. :D

I just got to know a couple of days ago that I have a total of 32 students under my belt. I was like :O !!!!! Out of these 32, 20 are under me, as in I am their guide, of batch commander, like what they call it here. The other 12 are from other batches, and I fly with them. It's nice with the students, they are all good students. Some of them are of course a lil' lazy, but with a bit of guidance, they'll be great.

On the day I got my endorsements for my instructors' license, I found out that I have a meager 5 months to get 10 papers done. 10 freaking papers!!!!!! This exams are for the conversion of my commercial license. I have to sit for 8 UK standard aviation papers, and 2 local aviation papers. And I have less than 5 months!! I am going bonkers!!! I am officially, to the highest degree of royalty...humped!!! Every night I am trying to study, but still, it is not helping. I need to double my effort, I know I have to, but me no interest. I need some kind of motivation. Something, somehow, somewhere.....

Other than that, I have started hanging out with a few colleagues of mine, and they are loads of fun. Almost every night we are hanging out, and it is just great! But all in all, all my colleagues are wonderful people. I am seriously loving it here at my job place. Of course, there are some bad things that definitely can be improved on, but all in all, it is a nice place to work in. 3 months now I am with this company, and so far, god-willingly, it has been good.

Today, I came into work to find out my planes' gone for maintenance. I was like.....damnit! But anyways, it's all good. At least today, I can relax a bit, later in the evening go back home, chill out, watch tv, study for a while, have a nice cold beer, and go to bed. :)

It's 31st of December, 2008. 365 days has passed by, and it was one very interestingly weird, turbulent, info-taining ride for me.

I now sit in front of my new Compaq laptop reminiscing what went through this year, and all that's flashing through my head is the hard times I went by with. There was a lot of first timers for me this year, and even so, these memories are just something which is deep in me, stored safely and only tagged as 'read-only' files. Whereas all the other stuff, it is what the computer analyzes it as occasionally used files.

2008 saw me, Vignesvara Rao, reach 25 years of age. This year, I worked in 3 different companies, stayed in 2 different countries, and bought my first ever car, a 1995 Dodge Intrepid. Within this span of time, I was an instructor in the 3 companies I mentioned, primarily flight training. I am an instructor still, and now I am working in Malaysia. I was in the United States for the past 3 years, and July this year was when I returned from the land of opportunities. I still can taste those days in the States, and boy was it fun. I made a huge-country load of friends, fantastic ones for that matter, went around for country-miles and I learnt a lot about what the job world has to offer in terms of glory and sorrow. I was termed by many as one instructor who's a subject-matter-specialist. Tailoring for both flying and ground students, I had a glorious amount of students, whom, being students gave me all kinds of wonderful, beautiful and at times, tainting moments. And me being a normal person, there are many students whom I hold very dear to. To these people, for a fact, I know I have imparted a lot on them. I have given plenty, and received quite plenty too. Most of these people are still in touch with me, and a whole lot of them are very appreciative of what I have done. I know for a fact I have done a lot for them, but however I would prefer not to preach about it, and let it remain in sequence to sweeten the relationship we have with each other. And there is a lot where these people have done for me too, in all sense. They have fed me, nurtured me, advised me, guided me, sheltered me, mingled with me, and even for that matter, at times, been the shoulder where I sob my way to glory! LOL! Boy owh boy, were those times great or what.....

This year saw me getting jolted in many occasions by the things I least expected from people. There are many instances where these things happen in such a rapid succession, it was too much to even comprehend with, let alone indulge. One time, there was a problem which involved 2 people, and me being a prick, once again, tried to help and solve it. These 2 people were close to each other, and I was close to both of them too. During this turmoil, one of these 2 people was actually calling the other names and literally cursing behind the other, while when in front of that person, he would be the angel's son. And whilst this is happening, I caught the dumbnut red-handed, and tore him into shreds. But, me busting his wrong deeds was actually tainted with other non relevant stuff, from other people. And the person who was cursed at in the first place, didn't even believe me! Man, that was a huge massive shocker for me. There was many other things as well that, putting it in simple terms, tore me into shreds that was even finer than a cobweb string. Coming out of it was hard, but the harder one was moving on with life. That was hard. From one of the House M.D. episodes which I love a lot, one of the patients said this line. "Life is a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are". So, with that motion, all these 'moments' has now totaled up to give me an extremely new perception to life, what it can actually hold for me in the future, and once these moments pass by, how would it 'add to what my life is' all about.

The 95' Dodge that I bought was actually totaled by one of my students last time. I asked him to help me sell the car, as I was not there in Atwater anymore. I was going away to San Jose, and to stay there for a few weeks before leaving for Malaysia. He was using my car, but one day, he rammed the car into a lamp post, and it left my car with pretty much nothing to claim for. I manage to get some money out of it, from him of course. I spent quite a bit on that car too, repairing it most of the time. That car was also a massive highlight of my life. My first car that I owned, is not just a mere memory to me now. It is nowhere running on the streets, neither it is sitting anywhere now. Attaining this car was not an easy feat for me, but I did it. And, it was one a the few achievements, or as I said earlier, first timers for me.

While I was in Atwater, I worked in a company which was primarily a flight training school. As an instructor, I had loads of fun, and sorrows were not a small number either. In this company, I lost my job once. Being told as 'a series of events' as the reason, I was no more and employee, and after appealing and support from a few great friends, I got the job back. But however, as I was trying to be better in my job, the company came upon a few things. One fine day, while we were working, and students were doing their thing, the owner came and announced that the company will be closed for expansion, and this eventually led to a whole 2 months of not flying. During this time, it was turbulent as hell. I was living all over the place, and trying to help the students. But at the end, we all couldn't achieve anything major to be splendoured about. A lot of students lost a huge amount of money, and a lot of them literally lost everything. They came down to learn the art of flying, with mortgages on their or their parents' houses and loans piling up sky high, hoping they will accomplish their goal, return, attain a job and then, move on with life. But however, there were many which didn't even have a chance to sit in a plane, let alone fly, and all their money....vanished. I tried helping these people out by placing a few of them in other schools and also guiding on what to do next. Some of them have moved on, leaving the field completely, and some have gone another school, completed their training, and got back home, heavy-hearted with a small sense of satisfaction.

Now, I am back in Malaysia, as I mentioned. Working here, I am getting good pay, and now I have a condo which I am sharing with a doctor. I am enjoying myself here, but as I said, the job world is still giving me a lot of tribulations to come over with. I'm happy that I'm back, happy that I have a job, but still, a lot more to be done before I can be settled with. Not claiming that I'm currently not settled, I am. But however, improvements can always be there. With the year now at its peak, I look back at what has gone through and happened. I somehow can only very distinctively remember the bad times, but when I'm with my friends and family, and even just talking to them on the phone, those good days just swiftly take over the temporal lobe, and I'm back in happy face again.

Dear 2008, you thought me a lot, and to be frank, I do not want to go through you again. You gave me happy days, but way to many sorrow moments too. I leave you as a reminiscing point of life, the one which came, saw and left. I now move on, excruciatingly with my past haunting down, time to time. But then, I hold my head high, look ahead, and take a huge step, leaving you behind, into the realms of the year of the Ox, still....*smiles*, the behemoth.

Just had lunch, and I am stuffed. Can't even move. So, I thought, it's been a long time since I blogged, why not today. So, here I am, back in my asylum.

2 weeks has passed since I last blogged, and since then, thank god, I got my validation on my FAA instructors' license. So, now I have to go through like 4 to 5 hours of standardization flight and a flight check before I can begin with my instructional duties. Been wanting to go up, however, the weather has not been on my side at all. In Kota Bharu, and pretty much all of the northeast coast line of peninsular Malaysia, is basically hit with the monsoon season from end October to beginning of January. So, I have been sitting ducks not flying and hoping that I will so get moving along. Today is suppose to a normal weekend day off, but I'm working today. Today is actually to replace the holidays that was given for Eid. So, here I am in office, basically doing nothing. So today, I hope to fly. According to my coordinator, he said we should be able to fly today. Let's see.

Pierre called me yesterday. He just got a job, and he has been working just coming into a week now. He was looking for a job before this, and he has been wandering around for a long time but somehow just couldn't land himself one. I introduced him one of my friends, Yogi, who works at a company which specializes in getting jobs for people, more like a job placement company. Pierre sent his resume to Yogi, and 3 weeks later, he got a job. He called to thank me. I was just glad that he got a job. He's enjoying himself, and he said he's going to Singapore this weekend for training there. His girlfriend is in Singapore too, working there.

Talking about jobs, Pridiv just got an offer to run the show in an oil rick up in Kazakhstan. He has applied for it, interview should happen soon, and he is still contemplating on whether to go or not. To me, I think go la wei! It's a great opportunity, and further more, your not working there for years at a time. Every 3 months, he gets to come back, and flight is even paid for. Lucky bum. Well, I am happy for him, he has been a great worker for his previous company, but I think it is high time to move along and expand his horizon.

As for me, I have been just coming to work everyday, sitting in front of the computer, browsing Facebook for hours and just sitting and playing Mafia Wars on it. I have already prepared for a brief that I'm suppose to give on stalling. But still waiting on when to present it. Should be soon too, but how soon is the mighty golden question. Been making new friends here too, and it has been great. Went out with a colleague and a few of his friends for some beers. Was good fun, and hope to have more. And man I can't wait for pay day! *grins*

Hello. I'm back, with a massive difference.

Been back from the US for almost 4 months now. It was a long and sleepy journey from San Francisco to Sandakan. I took a NWA flight to Narita, Japan. Then a connecting flight to Singapore after a 2 hour transit. Next, a ride with my cousin brother who picked me from Changi International into Malaysia. Had a first roti canai and teh tarik after more than 2 years, and then head on to Senai International for a 2 1/2 hours good ol' Air Asia flight to Kota Kinabalu, and then a half an hour trip to good ol' Sandakan.

Upon reaching Sandakan, I was right away on my phone halloering my friends. I was missing US a bit at that time, thinking of the bitter-sweet memories I had there. But still, my friends made it all good for me. Went for a badminton game with the Kahak group, but on that night, all of us thought the other person next to us would have booked the court at 6 pm. However, none of us did. Determined to play, next availability was at 8. We decided to take that slot, and to head out for tea to kill time. However, instead of tea, it ended up in beers. After having two sets of beers, all of us head out to play badminton, and boy was it fun! It was great, and it felt great playing badminton again, after more than 2 years. After that day, time to time we played badminton, and of course, the drinking sessions we all throughout!! All my other friends were calling, some even came down from different towns just to see me. I was absolutely thrilled, and boozing almost everyday, for a whole month! Damn, damn, damn....

Well, since I came back to Malaysia, there were still somethings that was left behind in the States that kept bugging me. I had to leave a whole bunch of friends, and at the same time too, I lost a few. Some how, it bewilderes me to a huge extent on how and why it happened, but then, I guess what ever happens, it's god way of saying move along son, and what ever happens, it is happening for the good. With that thought in mind, I went on. It was all good here, having fun, catching up with friends and family. But then, it boiled again down to what have I accomplished. It's time for me to look for a job....

Manage to meet up with Sood, Pankaj and Vandita. They came over for the sim sessions in Kuala Lumpur. So, met them, and we went around having good ol' fun. They were here for like 3 days, but we had a good time together. Sood and Pankaj, thanks for the whiskey and cigarettes, and thanks a million for the good time man. Missed you guys big time, still am, and definitely will meet you guys when I come over to India.

Well, yeap, I have a job now. Working in a flight school, called Asia Pacific Flight Training. Great place it is here. Before this I was with a different school, Malaysian Flying Academy. It was good there too, but however, I was not paid for my time there in the school. And the were also other things happening inside the school that lead me to leaving the school. But anyways, I have moved on, and it is a great blessing in disguise. I'm getting twice the pay I should get in my previous school. I'm happy here, in need of a validation from DCA,Malaysia to allow me to convert my license. Still waiting for it, but according to my bosses, they said it should be in by this week. *fingers crossed*

This year was first time in 5 years where mum, dad, Kantha and myself were together celebrating Diwali. Good fun it was, and of course the normal drinks and food was there, and a whole bunch of my friends came over for lunch and dinner. Went hunting too, but some how, got nothing. But had fun there too, once again, after 2 years drought.

Well, as fo now, this is just a very very small summary of what has been happening. I'm very glad to be back in Malaysia, and I am loving being able to be in touch with most of the good friends I made in the US. To all of you, I wish you all the best, keep in touch, and for now, adios! Peace!

After a long long long time, I once again return to this so call sanctuary that I have desolated for a long long time. One of many pleads that I'm going to do in this post, I'm sorry because of not been writing much, in fact at all, for ever since I have entered the realms of instructing, life has been everything. The life's possession of senses has been heightened in every sense of it, to an extent.... too much for me to handle.

After I came from Arizona, I started to be an instructor, and that time, I was already struggling to pick myself up. Did not have a proper place to stay, I was staying in the barracks with a few students for almost a couple of months. There life was nice, simple, and I was having fun everyday. Got up, go to school for work, be back, and night falls, and I have fun everyday. At the same time, I was indulging myself with a girl. I was going after her, and at that time, trying to calculate each and every step I make, in hope of it succeeding. It was nice, hanging out with her and her friends. Every night, the whole team would meet up, and we would play Counter-Strike together. Those times were of great fun too. As usual, came a day where I told her that I liked her, but once again, I was denied. This time, I was not as heart-broken that I thought I would be. Perhaps I was ready for this, far better than how I used to be. But, it went hay-wire. Well, I thought we could be friends, she did not want to. Time went by, somehow it came back, we were friends again. But, people can't stop talking. They were rumoring a lot of things all around, and this not only bugged me, it disturbed her as well, to a very big extent. All kinds of rumors were floating, and at a point, we were not bothered about it. We were having fun, all of us were continuing the so called life we were living. But, somehow, everything else got bigger. Came a point where I was blamed of not wanting to work because I just wanted to have fun, and only be with her. The management got to know too, and they were not happy at all. At this time, the friends that I was having, were slowly diminishing. So many great, great friends I have were slowly parting. I was lost at that time, because too many things were happening at the same time. Friends parting, work going bonkers, people at home were falling ill, my life not settled completely after the CFI training, and so many other things were happening that as I said, I was lost.

At one point, I established my room at the CFI housing, thanks to 2 people. I bought a car, trying to get myself settled, but still failed, all in vain. Things kinda went good for a while, but still everything else went bad. My method of teaching was not liked by a few people. My students started failing in their practical exams, and my passing rate dropped tremendously. So much it dropped that I was about to be reviewed by the FAA, the federal agency in charge of the flying industry here in the States. My license as an instructor was about to be revoked unless I brought my passing rate up again. I, slowly brought it up, painfully, and now somehow it's in an OK state. There were a lot of rumors flying about me and her, and I was still losing a lot of things. Friends, a normal state of mind, the whole package. Besides that, there were people out to actually bring me down. They wanted me failing the whole time. Besides that, the so many people I thought I can help, I failed helping. I'm sorry, very extremely sorry. And they went the other way around, the came back saying I have no more interest. I was still helping a few that I could, and one of them was her. People said that I was only interested in helping her, and no one else, when I was also helping others. I don't blame them having thought of this, and I'm sorry for bringing this kind of thought to you people. This was also another factor that brought me down further, way further down.

A couple of weeks back, I was about to be fired from my job. At the same time, the friends that I thought I have, have all gone. They don't trust me anymore that I am trying to be like how I was, but it was hard with all this happening the same time. I pleaded for the job, and now I am under a probation, 90 days to be frank. And still, I'm trying to prove my worth. People I so called hold with high regard, also lost their trust in me. And still, I gained a few people who trust me,and I really appreciate, and I love you all, with all my heart is left with. But still, no matter what ever the problem is, and no matter how much I try, it has become worthless. I have been working for the past 9 months, and ever since this year started, it has not been ever a point of time that life was going so called 'fine'. I have been so lost, that I could not figure what should I do next. Life has been torn apart in such an extent, it is way too much to comprehend. I have lost many, gained only a few. Friends have even been to an extent leaving my life completely, in a sense, six feet under. I have even been losing people who I care, I respect, I admire and even the people I love. I have a few people I love with my everything, and somehow I could not show them that I love them. I have failed in showing, and I have failed in proving that I want to be there for them. I know they are there, but I have failed to prove that I am there. The trust I want to preserve have faltered, diminished, vaporized and even lost. I need help, in every way possible, and please I beg and plead I need help. I'm sorry for what ever I have done, and I am plead guilty all the way. I'm sorry everyone, I'm so sorry. And if there is any sentence that I am suppose to serve, I guess I should serve it. But, I need help, and I want to request one last chance...which I hope will not be the last, but I want to prove that I am here, anytime and anywhere. Please........I beg please

I have achieved my dream here in the US, to become a certified flight instructor. Furthermore, I'm not just a CFI, I am a CFII as well. Was extremely glad the day I got CFII, and I drove back to Atwater right away. On my way back, I was planning for my party, what will I do and everything else. But somehow, I don't think I have achieved anything at all. There's something lacking somewhere, and I somehow have a good feeling what it is, but still don't want to rely on it too much.

Other than that, I have been back for 2 weeks now, not been flying that often yet. I have been busy with 2 ground classes and flying as well. Enjoying it, and I'm loving the whole instructor enchalada. Been broke for the past 2 weeks too, used up quite a big amount for the party I threw for my CFI. Speaking of that, I would want to thank Neeru, Swati, Devyani, Deepa, Arul, Bharee, Shailesh, S.S.D, Vibhor, Puneet, Pankaj, Aarti, Bose, Kim, Afshan, Anchal, and a whole bunch of other people as well. One way or another, all of you have helped me, in the party and as well as helping me complete my CFI rating. Thanks a lot people, and especially a few people, without you guys, I don't think I could have lived in Kingman. I have been calling you guys often while I was there, some even everyday. Thanks a lot, and I really really appreciate it. :D

Well people, a whole more to talk about, but for now, I got to leave. Will post more, till then, peace, adios, over and out!

What's goin on people!? I am ecstatic today, although I am tired to the core. I have finally reached my goal people, I am a Certified Flight Instructor. I am now officially eligible to fly, teach, sign off and do a whole bunch of stuff people. I have been waiting on this for a year and a half now, and I have finally got it. Man, it was worth it.

So, what else? Hmmm...I heard there was an earthquake south of Sumatera, Indonesia and it somehow rocked Malaysia a bit. Need to call back home and make sure everyone is fine back home. I will be having my CFII check ride on Friday, and hopefully back to Atwater on Saturday. Can't wait to go home people, just can't wait.

Will write more, for now, I'm hitting the sack. Peace!!!!

Yeap, the title says it all. I am a commercial pilot people. I am now officially one of many pilot in the US who can carry people and property, and get paid. Damn it feels good! I actually got it on the 5th, but I'm just posting it now, cause finally after a whole long time, I finally found a laptop where I can write and strut my stuff. :D

I got my license here in Arizona. Kingman, AZ to be precise. I am now actually in a motel, Silverqueen's Inn is the name. Nice place. And I am here, as I say, for my CFI and CFII. I am flying in Sheble's Riveria Aviation school. Not a bad school at all. It's built up like a small house, it has a kitchen, fridge, jacuzzi, classrooms, hangar, everthing. It's pretty sweet here in the school. But this place sucks! Nothing to do! I am seriously reaching a point of mental-boredom disorder where I am wanting to go back to Atwater. Kingman has nothing to offer. Everyday now, for the past week, I have been eating out only. McD, Taco Bell, Denny's, chinese, Jack-in-the-box...these are the only places where I eat, and I am getting sick of it.

I haven't been flying lately, at all actually since I got my commercial. I have been wanting to, but the lady in charge of the school did not show up today, and once again, I am stuck with nothing to do. Went to Las Vegas on Saturday to get my written exams done. Got it done, and then I went driving around Las Vegas Boulevard and Strip. Was pretty interesting, and how ever Vegas is, it was exactly like that. Should have one there at night, would have been fun. But anyhow,I went to a gift shop and bought a whole lot of stuff for some people back in Atwater. I hope they'll like it...

Well, this past week has been quite an interesting one as far as 'getting to know people' is concerned. I am now actually getting to know someone really well, and so far it has been going great. I like her, and I think she does to. Not pushing my luck, but I do hope I go somewhere with this. Really hope so. And, I have actually started to get to know people from another side of them. My friends, those of them who care, those who just need help, those who just need something, and those of them who I put with high regard, but just seem to put me as another person in the world. Kinda sweet, how 500 miles distance can make out of a person's perception of the world and the people around that person.

Hello people and happy birthday to me! Yay! 24 years, and counting. Damn it....

Anyways, I am officially announcing that this years birthday was the first ever birthday an first time ever I was completely sloshed, and I actually reached a point where I don't even remember what I did the night before, and I was not emotional! Huaks!! Damn that felt good.

Had a great time with everyone. A lot of people was there, and a lot of food as well. Thank you so much Devyani, Deepa, Neeru, and Vibhor for cooking as well. It was a blast. So many people came and wished me, and I had loads of fun. Drinks was without a doubt endless...and everyone, I hope, enjoyed.

Thank you for making my birthday a blast everyone. To all that has wished, called, gave me gifts and whatever not, thank you so much people. I really appreciate it. Big time. Peace!

Oh my god! What a week it has been for me, what a week! I am going bonkers with what's going on now, and once again, the 'Babu' who holds a predicament of not needing any help is asking for help.

I will be leaving for Arizona for my CFI(certified flight instructor) and my CFII(instrument) this coming weekend. Saturday to be precise. It's my birthday as well on that day, and I will be leaving at night. Furthermore, I am going to have my commercial pilot check ride on Saturday as well. I am not worried on my ground knowledge, but know nothing regarding my flight. My maneuvers are 'jack shit'. And the people of the school wants me to complete my Comm rating before I leave for AZ. To go to AZ, I need a car. I'm driving there, and it's going to be a 10 hour drive. And I need to finish 2 different papers for my CFI and CFII, written papers to be precise.

I am shifting out of the barracks tomorrow, and I have not packed anything yet. I need to pack, resettle myself in the instructor housing before I leave. It's feeling kinda weird leaving the barracks, after all the things I have done and experienced here. I going to definitely going to miss this place badly.

I am currently taking Private and Instrument gorund classes, and I was only able to complete the instrument ground class. Private ground will be left kinda half way, and I don't know who's going to take over from me.

Puneet came back today for his recurrency, and I just met him. It's nice to see him again. I won't be seeing him off, and next week more people will be coming in, and I wont be able to see them. :(

Today is Trupti's birthday. I hope she's having fun. Bought her a small present. Anyways, Happy birthday girl. Have fun. Many more happy returns of the day. Take care. :)

I am hungover.

Anyways, I am in serious need of help. Life has been good, but however, it has been giving me all troubles anyone would ask for, and it's making me go nuts.

Job is getting harder. I now have almost 20 students under my supervision now, and everyone is getting on my nerves. I am trying to help those guys, but somehow they dont allow me have my own time. Everytime they call and ask for schedules, and its making me go nuts. In school it's fine, cause there, I'm working. But at home, these guys still come up to me, asking for schedules, requesting for help, and whatever not. It's not that I don't want to help, but I am seriously now getting tired of only giving. I want some. The reason why, because all this while, I have been giving and ain't getting, it has spurred these thoughts and expectations. I think, I need to change the way I am, my attitude, my personality and perhaps even a few things else as well.

I have reach a saturation or so called evaporation point of Trupti in my head. She is no more the person that I use to like before. But however, she is still been in and around me lately. And this is kinda eating me up. She comes to me for all kinds of favours, and the same time sending me all kinds of signals as well, and has been coming rather close to me lately. I am trying to forget about her completely, but I couldn't. Im not saying that I'm hating what's she doing, nor am I saying I'm liking it. I kinda in why-is-she-doing-this of a mood now. I have been trying to make it stop, and to a certain extent, it has cooled off, but still, her presence makes me all messed up again. Two of my buddies, Jon and Gul have told me to do something. Gul told me that just to forget about her completely, like all the way. She lives her life, I live mine. He said when there are two people who use to have something with each other or be it one way, and then they broke off, they is no such thing as friends after relations. And Jon told me, that I should divert myself. Into something else. Go and look for me another girl to put my thoughts into and not the previous girl. Will definite be making this all obvious, but I am opting for Jon's. Not fair on the girl, in I'm using her to forget about someone else. But then, I have already forgotten about the previous one, I want to move on. Life goes on people, and I'm guessing it has.....

I have given Deepa her phone back, and now once again, I'm phoneless. It's kinda nice, cause no more calls or whatsoever from anyone, but then my parentd want to talk to me, and they can't cause I dont have a phone. I might buy myself a new one, or maybe once again, get a phone from someone else again. Will see

On another front, I have been quite the insomniac. A nocturnal bastard I would name myself. Not been getting enough sleep, and still staying awake to the wee hours of the night. It's not like I all alone all the times, I am hanging out with people. But still, it somehow just has to change. Next week I am going to be humped left, right, top, bottom, center if I do not change my sleeping habits and schedules.

Before I leave, I wanted to post this, it is nice. The reason of my wanting for a relationship...

We all want to fall in love. Why?
Because that experience makes us feel
completely alive,
where every sense is heightened,
and every emotion is magnified.
Our everyday reality is shattered
and we are flung into the heavens.
It may only last a moment, an hour, or
an afternoon,
but that doesn't diminish its value,
because we are left with memories
that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

- From the movie "The Mirror Has Two
Faces" -
(starring Barbara Streisand)

One whole month has passed by, and a whole bunch of things happened. To start of, Gulzar, Pritish, Gill, Amy, and Jasdeep all got their multi-engine checkrides done. All of them have left back for home as well. All the best guys and congrats once again. A whole lot of people cleared their other checkrides as well and it's been quite an interesting month for all.

I have started teaching students on the simulator now. The simulator is my office now. I'm teaching the students cockpit as well as checklist preparation. So, it has been fun so far, and bloody tiring as well. And whilst me instructing these new students, I have made some really interesting friends at the same time as well.

On another front, I have been weak and as well as down emotionally kinda frequently lately. Trupti now is going out with someone else. After all that she told me about not wanting anyone as her bf, now she's seeing someone. It made me feel really down, I was devastated, and till now I am still suffering the aftermath of it. I hope I will come out of it soon. Physically, my god damn knee pain is still stinging the life out of me. Been trying to play football regularly lately but somehow is has always been that at the end of each game, my leg will start to hurt like hell. And, I have been losing on quite a big amount of appetite. My friends here are saying that I've lost weight, which I don't believe at all. But, if I am, then that's nice. :P

I have been changed from one study syllabus to another a few days ago. With this new syllabus, should be able to complete all my requirements in a jiffy. Soon, I will be out of here and I will be and instructor when I come back. Hopefully that will happen in the near future.

I'm now hanging out quite often with a new group of people. Pretty lively and fun group they are. Swati, my little mermaid sis. Kapooria, her bf. And there's Neeraja, Swati's roomate. Shailesh and Sachin are the other 2 guys in the group. We play counterstrike together and it's fun. Sachin is a pretty good player, Shailesh is building time and Neeru is also learning to play. With us, sometimes Arul comes and plays with us, and even my roomate Karan plays as well. It's great fun with these people. Devyani and Deepa are now roomates, and it's has been nice with them as well. Those 2 are now completely hooked on the series 'Grey's Anatomy', and they haven't stopped watching those series ever since. Taran, Suraj and Alok are moving into the barracks soon from Castle Gardens, since Pritish, Amy and Jasdeep has left.

Since Gulzar left, I have been getting to know a friend of his. Her name is Kim. Kim is 38, 3 sons, and a great person to be with. She hangs out with us sometimes and we actually had Gulzar's multi party at her place. It was great fun, and she was a great host. Till now once in a while she calls and we talk. I haven't been calling and it's making me feel bad about it. I need to call her, soon.

The school has been in a quite a tipsy-turvy condition lately. Planes are making no progress in coming up from maintenance sooner and instructors are leaving the school so often, it's not even considered something big now. Prince has been losing his mind lately and has been coming up with quite a bit of useless and stupid stuff. Somehow, for the first time, I am seriously thinking about what's going to happen with the school from now on since Prince has changed from relaxed to mind-boggling bonkers. And almost all of the instructors that I have flown with have left or are about to leave very soon.

Interestingly, I can only come up with one thing to sum this all up. Life goes on people...